We got him twelve years ago, when I was 18 and in a very dark place. I can’t explain how much he made me want to go on. He was big—people always commented on his size—but he was the gentlest giant you could imagine. Soft, cuddly, and deeply attuned to emotion. He was the only cat I’ve ever known who would meow at my other cats in excitement just because they walked into the room. He had a way of staring right into your soul, like he knew exactly what you needed. He came into my life full of love—and gave me purpose. He made me want to keep trying.
Last Tuesday, we celebrated his 12th birthday. He was his usual chatty, goofy self. He had his tuna cake. He got all the cuddles. His appetite, as always, was huge—right up until the end.
Then Friday came.
I had just sat down to eat lunch when I heard the most pitiful howl coming from the catio. I ran outside and found him on the ground—twitching, howling, soaked. I called the vet immediately and rushed him in.
I looked into his eyes—those same eyes that always saw me so clearly—and I knew he couldn’t see me anymore. His pupils were blown. His body was limp.
The vet tried everything: oxygen, reflex tests… but it was clear he wasn’t really there anymore. A scan revealed a hidden tumor in his intestine—something we never could have known. She said cats are masters at hiding their pain. The tumor had likely thrown a clot straight to his brain. There was nothing we could do. We lost him.
And now I feel completely broken. The places where he used to nap feel empty. I keep waiting to hear his purr. I miss the way he’d almost trip me during meal time, too excited to wait. I don’t know how to do life without him. It feels like that part of me he helped heal has shattered all over again.
I turn 30 next week. And all I can think about is how I entered my 20s with him by my side—and now I won’t get to bring him into my 30s. It’s tearing me apart. I just want him back. I just want my boy.
If you made it this far, thank you for listening. Please, hug your babies a little tighter for me tonight.
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